In loving Memory

In loving Memory

God saw him getting tired, a cure was not to be,

so He put his arms around him, and whispered,

” Come with me”

It is 8 years ago today, that God took my son back. Sometimes it feels like yesterday and sometimes it feels like two years.

Any one who has buried a child will know, that you will never get over it. It is said, that time heals everything. I disagree. Time heals nothing. Time is just time and the grief, sadness, anger, can be just as devastating 10 years after a child’s death, than the day after. Time will pass no matter how you feel and what you do.

You have to go through the process of grieving and bereavement, and there are no right or wrong way of grieving. Just your way.

Tell others how you feel, but if they themselves haven’t experienced a loss of a child, don’t expect them to fully understand.

The ultimate determinant in healing the horrendous wound when a child dies is love. As i said earlier time by itself heals nothing, but time plus love fosters healing. Accept that life is for the living. It takes effort to begin to live again and not dwell on the past.

But keep the memory alive. Look at pictures, remember special times and share that memory with friends and family.

I remember, that someone asked me, very soon after he died,” that now that he is dead, that must be a relief, because he was so sick. And now it is your turn to live”

I got really angry, thinking, how the f.... dare he say that?

But I controlled myself and answered, that I had been living all these years. It may not have been the life, I dreamt of, planned for, or hoped for, but I was still living. And as for the relief part, I had to say, that I would do it all again, just to have my son with me.

Secretly, a part of me was somewhat relieved, because it had been hard, heartbreaking and very often I had been close to breaking point, but that thought made me feel guilty, so I quickly thought of something else. A mother is not supposed to think like that...

I have learned so much from Martin. I learned how people are judged by what they look like or act like, more than what they have in their hearts and souls. We often don’t make the time and effort to find out, that we can learn from people who appear to be different.

Martins body may have been broken, but his soul, spirit and love was very much intact, probably more so than mine. He loved, because that was what he was and that is what he gave to the world. He wasn’t able to be influenced by outside sources.

He taught me that there is no greater force in life than love. I believe that it is where we all come from and to where we all return, when our time comes. It may sound like cliche, but love does conquer all. And the time we spend together in love, is never wasted.

He spend many hours in my arms. He even died in my arms.

I carried his coffin out of the church and after he had been cremated, I carried the urn to the grave and I put in in the ground myself. I couldn’t just let anyone else do it.

I carried him in life, I had to carry him in death.

Now my arms feel empty. But I carry him in my heart.

I will never get over his death and there is not a day, where I haven’t thought of him, missed him, cried over him, but I will get through it and come out on the other side.

I will carry on living my best life, just like he thought me.

To me that is the best way to honor his memory.

Happy mother's day.

Mother's day

Today is mothers’ day. A tribute to all mothers. However this day seems more about the flower shops, jewelers, candy stores making an extra buck, than it is celebrating mothers. Mothers should be celebrated and appreciated every day. Why just one day? I am not saying this because I used to be a mother or because I never got flowers on mother’s day, but simply because mother’s are the most under appreciated people in the entire world and they actually have the most important job of all. It is proven that a stay-at home-mom with 1 child is the equivalent of a full time job. But what if she has 2 children or more and has a full time job? Around this time of year, the mom does get more air time on tv, just to remind us all to remember our mothers. That is good, but there are a certain kind of mother, who is forgotten or just not mentioned. The mother of a special needs child. That is not only a full time job, but that is 24/7. And very often is is a life or death situation. I know. I use to be one.
As I mentioned, I didn’t get flowers or candy on mother’s day, and at times it did make me feel under appreciated. But instead of moaning about it, I started to appreciate myself.
Martin and I made a ritual. It started when he was about 13-14. Forgive me if my memory is not what it used to be.
Every Monday Martin and I would go down to the flower shop. The flower lady knew that we needed some time to ourselves before she came over. I would take a few flowers and let Martin smell them. It always made him smile. I would then ask him which color he wanted for mummy’s flowers. He wasn’t able to verbalize it, but I knew his sign, and with his eyes he always picked orange. No doubt that was his favorite color. So 8 times out of 10 we got a orange flowers, but at times I did ask if he would choose a different color. He did.
We called the flower lady over and she made them in to a beautiful bouquet. I didn’t want to see her do it, because i wanted to be surprised. She wrapped them for me and I put them on Martin’s table, so he could “carry” them back to the flat. Then he would give me the sign, that I could take them and together we would open them. He loved the iihh and ooohhh that followed. So did I.
Unfortunately flowers are quite expensive, so we had to change it to every other week and then to once a month. But it was something that we did together and that made me feel good and appreciated.
So I may not have gotten flowers on the official mother’s day , but every time we went to the flower shop, it felt like mothers day to me.
Maybe there is a lesson to all moms. Don’t wait to get flowers once a year. If you want to change a bad day in to a good day, buy yourself some flowers. You truly deserve it. So until the day comes when mothers are appreciated every day, then I guess that one day out of 365 is a start.
Happy Mother’s day all. But a big special shout out to the special needs mothers out there.
You are truly appreciated, by me. trust me, I used to be one.

A new kind of Christmas.

                                          I love you all dearly, now don't shed a tear
                                         because I will be spending my Christmas with Jesus this year. 
                                                              Love Martin




Everywhere I look, listen, smell, proof of Christmas is in the air. I used to love this time of year. I would listen to Christmas music, put lights up, make Christmas decorations. But I would never get stressed out, because I wasn't hosting Christmas dinners. I could take the best of Christmas and enjoy it. And I did.

When I was growing up and living with my parents, I would get up early just to turn on the lights on the Christmas tree and let the light shine on the other ornaments. It sparkled like diamonds.

But unfortunately by the playing with the lights would wake up my mother and I would get caught and put back to bed. But it didn't change the way I felt about Christmas. I never saw the stress my mother and all other mothers felt during the month of December. Shopping for food and presents, making the food, cleaning, getting a tree and so on.

For some reason I believed it all just magically appeared. When I moved out and got my own family, we would still have Christmas evening at my parents.  When we arrived, I could smell, hear, feel and let us not forget, eat Christmas.

I would take Martin to the Christmas tree and we would play with the lights. It made him laugh. We would sing Christmas songs and enjoy each others company.

However Christmas soon lost its' magic.  We no longer sang Christmas songs and it felt like the the only way we communicated was through sarcasm and making fun of each other and I didn't want to participate. But to me Christmas is about family, so knowing how the evening would turn out, I tried to create my own Christmas tradition with Martin. In Denmark the 24th is the "big" day.  We would go to my parents late afternoon, so Martin and I had our celebration during the day.
Actually it started way before the 24th.

The first weekend in December we would go down and buy a small tree and we would decorate it. Well, technically I would do the decorating, as Martin couldn't, but he would be watching and his eyes would light up when I put the ornaments on. He got some on his table, he could touch and he loved it. Sometimes he would utter some sounds as if to tell me, that I should move an ornament. We would listen to Christmas music and just have a good time.

During the day on the 24th, I would take him out of his chair and sit with him. I would read Christmas stories and sing Christmas songs. It was clear to me that he recognized some of them. It was my favorite time of the day and I didn't want it to end. But I had to go to my parents house to celebrate Christmas with my family, knowing that nothing could top what had gone on earlier and knowing that at some point in the evening, some would be fighting.

The last few years of Martin's life, we had to move Christmas eve to my sister's house, because I could no longer carry him up to the 3rd floor in my parents' apartment building. 

Every Christmas Martin and I had our time together, which I enjoyed. But I must admit, I didn't look forward to the evening.

Christmas 2006 Martin and I stayed home. Martin had a fever and slept all evening. At that point I didn't know it was to be his last Christmas.

Martin died in May of 2007 and Christmas that year was tough to get through. I went out to my sister's house.  I don't know if it was for my sake or not, but for some reason, there were no Christmas tree, which made it a little easier, but I kept looking at the space at the dinner table, where his chair used to be.  so the real severity of the day didn't really dawn on me until i got back home. It was and felt very empty and I could hardly look at it.

When I came home that night, I just broke down. I have never really understood why there are so many suicides during Christmas. Now I do.

It is all emotions doubles during Christmas. If you are happy and joyous, you feel more happy and joyous.

If you feel lonely and sad, you feel extra lonely and sad during Christmas.

This year is the 5th Christmas without Martin and you might think, that I should have gotten better at handling it by now.
I haven't. December is emotional  to get through. Even if I don't live in the same country anymore and I have no history with Martin here in the US, I keep thinking when I look at all the lights: Martin would have loved this.  Or what should I get him this year? 

This Christmas will be very special. Mike and i are going to host our first Christmas eve together. This will also be the first time I host it. 


I will try to make it a Danish Christmas, to keep my memories of Martin and my "old" country alive but also incorporating some American customs, as this is where I live now.


I look forward to being with my new American family, but the hole in my heart, that Martin left can not be filled and it shouldn't. I know Martin will be there in spirit, but let's face it, that is just not enough.

But even if i will be missing him and my heart is breaking, I will not let it overshadow the joy I do feel about the magic of Christmas.

One thing I have learned. Be grateful for the things you have instead of focusing on the things you don't have.

So I will promise myself, I want to have a very merry Christmas. I know there may be tears of sadness, because Martin is not here to laugh at the lights and that is ok, but he is still loved and missed. But who knows, he might just be standing right next to me, when I go and play with the Christmas lights.


I wish you and your family will take a few moments away from the Christmas stress and really allow yourself to feel the joy and magic of Christmas and each other.



Merry Christmas.

Anette's Blog: Happy Thanksgiving.

Anette's Blog: Happy Thanksgiving.

Emotional Hunger: Twelve Types That Make You Break Your Diet

Yesterday I wrote a blog asking if you are an emotional eater. 

I know I am and have been for years. It is like being an addict. 

However, if you are addicted to alcohol or drugs, you can "get clean". You can work through your issues and learn to live a life without your drug of choice. It is not as easy if your drug of choice is food.  If you are an alcoholic, you can avoid places that will trigger you, but you can't live without food.

 When it comes to food issues, you can't be cured, but you learn to manage the food intake every single day. Some days are easier than others.

While I was putting this list together I was surprised how many on this list applied to me in the past and sometimes still applies. However, knowledge is power and if you recognize yourself  in one or more of the lists, well, don't despair. There is help out there. Because of my own story and battle with emotional eating, I have become passionate about supporting others through their struggle.

Below are the twelve types of emotional hunger that trigger Emotional Eating. As you read through the list, ask yourself how many of these apply to you and your life. If you use food in any of the ways listed below, you'll know that Emotional Eating is the real reason you struggle with weight.   Type 1. Food: My Adult Pacifier If you get really hungry when you feel angry, depressed, anxious, bored, or lonely, you use food to dull the pain that these emotions cause.     Type 2. I Stick Up For Myself by Stuffing Myself Up If you react by getting hungry when others talk down to you, take advantage of you, belittle you, or take you for granted, you eat to avoid confrontation.     Type 3. Food: My One Faithful Friend If you crave food when you have tension in your close relationships, you eat to avoid feeling the pain of rejection or anger.   Type 4. When I'm Chewing I Can't Hear My Inner Critic If you tend to become hypercritical of yourself, if you label yourself "stupid," "lazy," or "a loser," you eat to stuff down self-hatred. Type 5. I Don't Have Love but I Have Food If your hunger gets activated because your intimate relationships don't satisfy some basic need like trust or security, you use food to try to fill the gap. Type 6. Food Can't Fill Up the Missing Parts in My Past If you eat to make up for the deprivation you experienced as a child, you eat to forget the past.   Type 7. Don't Tell Me What to Eat If you eat to assert your independence because you don't want anyone telling you what to do, you eat to rebel.   Type 8. I'm Too Busy Eating to Take a Risk If your appetite kicks in when you're faced with new challenges - if you use food to avoid rising to the test, you eat to protect yourself from the fear of failure.   Type 9. Fall in Love? I'd Rather Fall in Chocolate If you stuff your face in order to avoid your sexuality - either to stay overweight so that nobody desires you or to hide from intimate encounters - you eat to protect yourself from getting too close. Type 10. I Use My Body as a Battleground Emotional eaters often eat to pay back those who have hurt them, often in the distant past. They use their bodies as battlegrounds for working out old resentments. If you do this, you eat to get revenge or control anger.   Type 11. I Won't Grow Up If you eat to make yourself feel carefree, like a child, you eat to keep yourself from facing the challenges of growing up. Type 12. I'm Secretly Afraid of Being Thin If you overeat because you fear getting thin, either consciously or unconsciously, you eat to avoid the fear of change. Emotional hunger is real. It's part of life for everyone. If you address the things that make you emotionally hungry, you'll have a chance of having real satisfaction in your life. But if you eat each time you're emotionally hungry, you'll miss the opportunity of satisfaction, and your emotional hunger will continue to grow along with your waistline.

I am an emotional eater. Are you?

I have been an emotional eater for many years. I keep it in check by being very aware of when I am hungry and more importantly why I am hungry.
You may ask yourself: How do I know if I am an emotional eater?

Here are some specific symptoms and signs that you can look for to help you determine if you are an Emotional Eater. See which ones ring true for you...


1. My hunger comes on suddenly.
Physical hunger comes on slowly. Hunger from emotional eating often comes on quickly and suddenly.

2. I crave specific foods—generally not carrot sticks or steamed broccoli.
Cravings for specific, usually unhealthy foods is a sign of emotional eating. Often people like the rush they get from satisfying their cravings. That rush is fulfilling emotional hunger.

3. My hunger feels urgent—I need a particular food right away and I'm willing to walk out of my way, or get in your car late at night, or raid my kid's Halloween candy to get it.
Physical hunger, unless you haven't eaten for a very long time, is usually pretty patient. It will wait for food. Emotional hunger demands to be satisfied immediately.

4. My hunger is often paired with an upsetting emotion—if I backtrack a few hours or a few days I'll usually find an upsetting event and feeling that triggered the urge.
Hunger that's connected to an upsetting emotion or situation is definitely emotional hunger. Physical hunger is not typically triggered by emotions.

5. My eating habits involve unconscious eating—all of a sudden I'm eating ice-cream and I find the whole container is gone.
When you're eating for physical reasons, you are usually mindful of what you're doing. If you catch yourself eating "just because," then it's likely you're eating for emotional reasons.

6. I don't stop eating in response to being full—I keep wanting more of the taste of the food.
Physical hunger doesn't need to be stuffed in order to be satisfied. Emotional hunger on the other hand often demands more and more food to feel satisfied.

7. My hunger isn't located in belly—I crave the taste of a certain food in my mouth or I can't stop thinking of a certain food.
Feeling hungry in this way is usually a sign of emotional hunger or Physical hunger is happy to get what it can, while emotional hunger usually focuses on specific tastes and textures.

8. After I satisfy my hunger, I am often filled with a sense of regret or guilt.
Feeding your body what it needs is not something to feel guilty about. If you feel guilty after you eat, it's likely because part of you knows you're not eating just to satisfy physical hunger.

If you don't experience any of the preceding statements, it's likely that you're struggling with simple biological hunger.

Plant a seed, reach a goal.

I love spring. It is my favorite time of the year.

To me it is so difficult to get through the winter. Not that I don't appreciate the beauty of snow, but it just feels like a very long and never ending season for me.
So the anticipation of spring makes the arrival of spring so much sweeter. I have never been one for making new year resolutions. I know I can't keep them. It is always about losing weight or exercise  more, but let's face it, during the winter months, I would rather hibernate.

But springtime is different. I wake up and come to life. Just like the seeds.
It always amazes me how a tree can look dead during the winter only to blossom at springtime and maybe bear fruit later in the year.

 Planting new seeds in the yard and see them grow. It makes me think of my own plans. Some of the the seeds I plant for myself are growing fast and some are longer to come through and may need lots of "fertilizer" and patience.

I have tried to make plans many times, but for some reason many of them never seem to succeed long term.

So I took a look at what I was doing wrong. To me it is not difficult to loose the extra 7 pounds, but keeping it off is a different story. I know, that I have to work out and eat less.

The thing is, I am an emotional eater, so it is easier said than done, when it come to eating less. And I must admit, I am not too keen on working out. I find it boring and I wish I could drag myself to do it. I am willing to try something new, but for some reason, when I do find something I like, I don't stick with it. I get bored. I wish it wasn't like that.
I also find it difficult to go to new places with new people. I feel intimidated. I know it is all in my head, but it is stopping me from doing the things  I really want to do.

I have been taking an inventory of my soul and I have found that very often, when I make plans, I haven't thought it through. Here are some of the tips I came up with to reach a goal.

Formulate in a positive way.  Just like, you can't go to the ticket office and say, : I DONT"T want go there" In order for you to reach a desired destination, you have to tell the person at the ticket office where you DO want to go.

Just like you say to yourself. I don't want to be sick. Or I don't want to be overweight. Just for fun try this little experiment.  Don't think about your car. In order for you NOT to do it, the picture of your car pops up in your head, even if it is just for a split second. Our systems doesn't understand the word or command not. 

When I realized that, it made me see the mistakes I made and I could redirect my thoughts.

So always formulate in a positive way.

What is it you want to achieve?
When do you want it to happen?
How does it feel when you have achieved it?

What is your proof that you have reached your goal?

Put a strategy in place.

Make a plan, have a timeline. If it is a big goal, maybe make smaller goals along the way.  Maybe if you feel to overwhelmed, you give up.

One of the most important questions you can ask yourself is, is this something I can do myself or can there be inner or outer challenges.

Are there negative sides by achieving the goal? Is the goal in conformity of who you are? 

Prioritize. If you are being challenged, then ask: will this get me closer or further away from my goal.

If you are too busy reaching your goal, you don't see where you are.
If you are too busy seeing where you are, you can loose focus on your goal or where you are going.

You enjoy the apple while eating.


Have passion. Believe in what you want. Believe in who you are.