Monday, January 10, 2011

Shedding the pounds of pain.

I don't really like this picture of me, but it is the only "before" picture I have. This picture represents my personal "worst." I was 155 pounds. Yes I am wearing a bulky man sweater, but I was at my biggest weight ever. I think it was taken last fall. Not even when I was bulimic was I this heavy.

I moved to the US shortly after my son Martin died.  Smart people say, that after the death of a child you should not do anything drastic. Not move, not take a new job, not start a new relationship. I did all of that and then some.

I know, I am an emotional eater.  Of course I didn't always know, but I use food as a coping mechanism. Cheese and sugar was and  is the favorite.

A couple of months ago, while I was still in the process of writing my book, which was a very powerful and personal journey for me. I went through all the emotions I was writing about.  I felt Martin's presence and when I wrote the chapter about his death, it was as if he died all over. It felt so real.
I was constantly in a state of stress and emotion and I may not have been the easiest to live with.

One day I was driving in my car, feeling upset. My body was tense and tears were lurking, just waiting to be set free. 

I had some candy with me and as soon as I had some, I could feel how my body would start relaxing. I know that sugar is just as addictive as heroin. It releases the same joy chemical in the brain.
Even if I have known that for a long time, I really didn't completely get it, before that day.

I have tried to loose weight before and I would loose and reach a certain level and I would give up, not really knowing why.

What happened was, I didn't know who I was, now that I had lost the weight. The extra pounds had served a purpose. They protected me from the outside world  and when I simply couldn't or  wouldn't deal with the emotions, which now surfaced after the weight loss, food would get them back down. 

So I put it all back on and then some. For years I yo-yo'ed.

During the fall and winter 2010, I watched was I was eating and I lost 10 pounds. I still have 10 to go, maybe 15.

After what happened  in the car, I wanted January to be a sugar free month. I wanted to get out of my sugar dependency.
I still do but I realized that this is not just about sugar or the emotional eating. If I don't deal with the issues, which makes me eat to begin with, I will loose the weight, but I will most likely put it back on.

I don't mind looking at myself in the mirror. I am not obese, but the pounds I need to shed now is
the pounds of pain. And they are much harder to deal with.

We put a lot of identity in what we do. It is even in our language. I am an electrician, I am an accountant and so on.   While Martin was alive, he was my identity. I was Martin's mother. But not only that. He was my job. I got paid by the government to take care of him. It was a privilege to spend so much time with him, but the downside was I lost my own identity, who I was.

When Martin died I lost that identity. I didn't know who I was.  And before I could figure that out, I had moved to the US and gotten married. I don't regret that at all, but I must admit, because of the timing of meeting Mike, moving over here to a place I had never been to, not knowing anyone, figuring out who I was, was not my top priority.

While I was writing my book a lot of the grief was released and I was very aware how I used food and candy to keep the emotions at bay. It worked. That is why it has been difficult for me to keep the weight off.

But the time has come.  Now it is about me and the pounds, who has been my "friend" for far too long.

The reason I want to blog about it is to make myself accountable. It is too easy just to fall back into bad habits.

It is time for me to step into my greatness, to become the best Anette I can be. I know I am way on my way.

Martin is in heaven and in my heart and I have to find out who I am now. I know I am a good wife, friend, co worker, speaker, writer. In short, I am a child of God.

I am the woman who needs to loose the last 10 pounds. maybe 15.

I will no longer be dependent on sugar for support.

Will you support me?