Can a procedure change your outlook of life?

It is said that doctors and caregivers make lousy patients. Now I know it is true.

Yesterday I was a patient. Apart from giving birth, ( which was a traumatic experience) I have never been a patient.
However I have been a caregiver for 17 years and I have been in hospitals and O.R's countless of times. In Denmark it is allowed for a parent to go into the pre-op to stay with the child until they are asleep.
Every time Martin had go through operations, I was the last person he saw before he was put under general anesthetic,  and when he woke up, I was the first he saw. I believe that made it a little easier and less scary for him.

I had done so many times, that it was just a normal part of life for me. 

Suddenly it was different. I was the patient.

There is colon cancer in my family, so even if I am not yet 50, I asked my doctor if I should be tested. I was told that if you have colon cancer or polyps in the family, you should start being tested at 40.

So yesterday was my time to be a patient. I had to have a colonscopy. 

I must admit, I was scared. I don't like anything that messes with my head and making me give up control. Knowing that I had to have a general anesthetic didn't make it better. 

Mike drove me to Plainville and on the way I tried to breathe deeply and relax. Didn't really work. But I had also asked for angels to be in the room with me. Turned out, they were all angels.

After checking in, I was met by a nurse who took me to a very small room, where I had to change into the very non -sexy hospital gown.

While sitting there waiting, I couldn't stop thinking about Martin and I just started crying. I thought of all the times he was been in hospital, going through so many kinds of procedures.
How scared he must have been.
It all came back to me and I was crying more for him, than for me being scared.

The nurse came back in and tried to calm me down. I told her what was wrong, when asked.
It turned out that she herself had lost a son and for that we had an instant connection.

I was put in bed to wait my turn.

 I was cold and my headrest was to high, 
Last time I was in a hospital bed was during the delivery. I remembered how I wanted to press the button to call the nurses, but didn't.
I waited a little too long before I called the nurse, but I finally did and I was proud of myself. Small step for others, giant leap for me.

I waited about an hour before anesthesiologist came to me.  She was so beautiful and very calming. She told me that I would be given propofol, which made me think of Michael Jackson. It was pretty clear to me, that I was not the first to make that connection, but she assured me that it was safe and got a bad reputation, because of what happened with Michael Jackson.

I was wheeled in and they all did what they could to make me relaxed. Knowing I was surrounded by women helped.

The anesthesiologist told put in the propofol and literally 3 seconds later I was out. Actually felt quite nice.

All of a sudden it was all over and I was in the recovery room . Don't remember how I got there.

I got some crackers and juice. I heard Mike's voice and that felt good. That meant I could go home shortly after.

I got dressed and was helped to the discharged chairs.  The doctor came in and told me that all was well and I don't have to be back for 5 years. Then I was discharged and went home.

I feel this was a turning point for me in many ways.  It was like a surrendered to the procedure and for the first time since Martin's death, allowed myself to just let go and be vulnerable.

I don't have to be only the strong one or always being right.

So in more ways than one, this was a good procedure to go through.


















 

I believe in signs.

                                   I am not leaning against the wall. Not easy to do with so much clothes on.



I have made an "agreement" with the Universe, that if "they" want me to do something, "they" will have to give me a sign. As I stubborn person, according to my husband, I need more than a sign. I need 3.  I want to make sure it is the right thing for me.

I have to be careful what I ask for, because I just got the 3rd today. 

I know the benefits of Yoga. Not because I practice it myself. I don't.  I have tried it a few times over the years, but I have the idea, that I have to be able to bend like a pretzel, and let's face it, I can't.


I would find a studio, which offered free trial, just to try it out, but I never stock with it, because I felt so discouraged about how rigid I was. Instead of sticking with it and becoming better. I gave up.

Not long ago, I was diagnosed with osteopenia ( not osteoporosis) and it scared me.  I am now paying the price for some bad choices I have made earlier in my life.

I know that weight training and exercise is good for many things, but I must admit, I find it really boring and expensive. So I have been looking at something I could enjoy and maybe Mike could do it with me.

My good friend Brigid has often mentioned yoga. She is very much into it, but she never pushed, which I appreciated.

2 days ago she sent me an email, where she talked about how good it would be for me. 1st sign.
Yesterday, I had to go to my chiropractor and I told him about the osteopenia.  He recommended Yoga and as it turned out, he had his own studio very close to where we live.   2 sign.

Mike was there as well and we talked about how good it would be for both of us. He gave me a leaflet  and I could see that there were many different types of classes, many times a day.

I must admit, I was starting to see the light, but I knew I needed more more sign. Yes I know, I am stubborn.

Mike and I have a ritual on Sunday mornings. We make our morning coffee and take it back to bed to watch morning TV. Very relaxing. 
Normally we watch the same program, but for some reason, it was quite boring this morning, so I channel surfed. I stopped at PBS which had a program, that sounded interesting even if we really, at that time, didn't know what it was about. Normally I would have continued, but for some reason I stayed and watched and found out that the program was Easy Yoga for Arthritis.  Sign number 3.

I will call the Yoga place on Monday and try it out. 

Being a Lutheran, I technically don't have to give up anything for Lent, but I think I will this year.

I will give up bad excuses. ( don't laugh, that is a tough one for me) and I will do yoga. Hopefully I can get Mike to join me.

I will keep you posted and maybe I can have a better yoga picture than the one on top.  

Shedding the pounds of pain.

I don't really like this picture of me, but it is the only "before" picture I have. This picture represents my personal "worst." I was 155 pounds. Yes I am wearing a bulky man sweater, but I was at my biggest weight ever. I think it was taken last fall. Not even when I was bulimic was I this heavy.

I moved to the US shortly after my son Martin died.  Smart people say, that after the death of a child you should not do anything drastic. Not move, not take a new job, not start a new relationship. I did all of that and then some.

I know, I am an emotional eater.  Of course I didn't always know, but I use food as a coping mechanism. Cheese and sugar was and  is the favorite.

A couple of months ago, while I was still in the process of writing my book, which was a very powerful and personal journey for me. I went through all the emotions I was writing about.  I felt Martin's presence and when I wrote the chapter about his death, it was as if he died all over. It felt so real.
I was constantly in a state of stress and emotion and I may not have been the easiest to live with.

One day I was driving in my car, feeling upset. My body was tense and tears were lurking, just waiting to be set free. 

I had some candy with me and as soon as I had some, I could feel how my body would start relaxing. I know that sugar is just as addictive as heroin. It releases the same joy chemical in the brain.
Even if I have known that for a long time, I really didn't completely get it, before that day.

I have tried to loose weight before and I would loose and reach a certain level and I would give up, not really knowing why.

What happened was, I didn't know who I was, now that I had lost the weight. The extra pounds had served a purpose. They protected me from the outside world  and when I simply couldn't or  wouldn't deal with the emotions, which now surfaced after the weight loss, food would get them back down. 

So I put it all back on and then some. For years I yo-yo'ed.

During the fall and winter 2010, I watched was I was eating and I lost 10 pounds. I still have 10 to go, maybe 15.

After what happened  in the car, I wanted January to be a sugar free month. I wanted to get out of my sugar dependency.
I still do but I realized that this is not just about sugar or the emotional eating. If I don't deal with the issues, which makes me eat to begin with, I will loose the weight, but I will most likely put it back on.


I don't mind looking at myself in the mirror. I am not obese, but the pounds I need to shed now is
the pounds of pain. And they are much harder to deal with.


We put a lot of identity in what we do. It is even in our language. I am an electrician, I am an accountant and so on.   While Martin was alive, he was my identity. I was Martin's mother. But not only that. He was my job. I got paid by the government to take care of him. It was a privilege to spend so much time with him, but the downside was I lost my own identity, who I was.


When Martin died I lost that identity. I didn't know who I was.  And before I could figure that out, I had moved to the US and gotten married. I don't regret that at all, but I must admit, because of the timing of meeting Mike, moving over here to a place I had never been to, not knowing anyone, figuring out who I was, was not my top priority.

While I was writing my book a lot of the grief was released and I was very aware how I used food and candy to keep the emotions at bay. It worked. That is why it has been difficult for me to keep the weight off.


But the time has come.  Now it is about me and the pounds, who has been my "friend" for far too long.

The reason I want to blog about it is to make myself accountable. It is too easy just to fall back into bad habits.

It is time for me to step into my greatness, to become the best Anette I can be. I know I am way on my way.

Martin is in heaven and in my heart and I have to find out who I am now. I know I am a good wife, friend, co worker, speaker, writer. In short, I am a child of God.

I am the woman who needs to loose the last 10 pounds. maybe 15.

I will no longer be dependent on sugar for support.

Will you support me?

Merry Christmas?

                                          I love you all dearly, now don't shed a tear
                                         because I will be spending my Christmas with Jesus this year. 
                                                              Love Martin



Let me start with apologizing. I don't believe in being political correct this time of year. I like hearing and saying Merry Christmas. If you are very political correct, don't read on. The word Christmas will be mentioned.

Everywhere I look, listen, smell, proof of Christmas is in the air. I used to love this time of year. I would listen to Christmas music, put lights up, make Christmas decorations. But I would never get stressed out, because I wasn't hosting Christmas dinners. I could take the best of Christmas and enjoy it. And I did.

When I was growing up and living with my parents, I would get up early just to turn on the lights on the Christmas tree and let the light shine on the other ornaments. It sparkled like diamonds.

But unfortunately by the playing with the lights would wake up my mother and I would get caught and put back to bed. But it didn't change the way I felt about Christmas. I never saw the stress my mother and all other mothers felt during the month of December. Shopping for food and presents, making the food, cleaning, getting a tree and so on.

For some reason I believed it all just magically appeared. When I moved out and got my own family, we would still have Christmas evening at my parents.  When we arrived, I could smell, hear, feel and let us not forget, eat Christmas.

I would take Martin to the Christmas tree and we would play with the lights. It made him laugh. We would sing Christmas songs and enjoy each others company.

However Christmas soon lost its' magic.  We no longer sang Christmas songs and it felt like the the only way we communicated was through sarcasm and making fun of each other and I didn't want to participate. But to me Christmas is about family, so knowing how the evening would turn out, I tried to create my own Christmas tradition with Martin. In Denmark the 24th is the "big" day.  We would go to my parents late afternoon, so Martin and I had our celebration during the day.
Actually it started way before the 24th.

The first weekend in December we would go down and buy a small tree and we would decorate it. Well, technically I would do the decorating, as Martin couldn't, but he would be watching and his eyes would light up when I put the ornaments on. He got some on his table, he could touch and he loved it. Sometimes he would utter some sounds as if to tell me, that I should move an ornament. We would listen to Christmas music and just have a good time.

During the day on the 24th, I would take him out of his chair and sit with him. I would read Christmas stories and sing Christmas songs. It was clear to me that he recognized some of them. It was my favorite time of the day and I didn't want it to end. But I had to go to my parents house to celebrate Christmas with my family, knowing that nothing could top what had gone on earlier and knowing that at some point in the evening, some would be fighting.

The last few years of Martin's life, we had to move Christmas eve to my sister's house, because I could no longer carry him up to the 3rd floor. 

Every Christmas Martin and I had our time together, which I enjoyed. But I must admit, I didn't look forward to the evening.

Christmas 2006 Martin and I stayed home. Martin had a fever and slept all evening. At that point I didn't know it was to be his last Christmas.

Martin died in May of 2007 and Christmas that year was tough to get through. I went out to my sister's house.  I don't know if it was for my sake or not, but for some reason, there were no Christmas tree, which made it a little easier, but I kept looking at the space at the dinner table, where his chair used to be.  so the real severity of the day didn't really dawn on me until i got back home. It was and felt very empty and I could hardly look at it.

When I came home that night, I just broke down. I have never really understood why there are so many suicides during Christmas. Now I do.

It is all emotions doubles during Christmas. If you are happy, you feel more happy. If you feel lonely, you feel extra lonely during Christmas.

This year is the 4th Christmas without Martin and you might think, that I should have gotten better at handling it by now.  I haven't. December has been hard to get through. Even if I don't live in the same country anymore and I have no history with Martin here in the US, I keep thinking when I look at all the lights: Martin would have loved this.  Or what should I get him this year? 

This Christmas will be very special. Mike and i are going to Denmark this year. We will be staying with my parents and this year, Christmas eve, will be spend at my parents house. My childhood home.


This will be first time I will be there after Martin died and while I look forward to finally having a Danish Christmas, I am also dreading it.

I look forward to being with my family, but the hole in my heart can not be filled. I know he will be there in spirit, but let's face it, that is just not enough.

But even if i will be missing him and my heart is breaking, I will not let it overshadow the joy I do feel about the magic of Christmas.

One thing I have learned. Be grateful for the things you have instead of focusing on the things you don't have.

So I will promise myself, I want to have a very merry Christmas. I know there will be tears of sadness, because Martin is not here to laugh at the lights and that is ok, but he is still loved and missed But who knows, he might just be standing right next to me, when I go and play with the Christmas lights.


I wish you and your family will take a few moments away from the Christmas stress and really allow yourself to feel the joy and magic of Christmas and each other.



Merry Christmas.

 

Happy Thanksgiving.

 Today is Thanksgiving.  I know for many it is the beginning of the holiday season, where food, buying presents, being stressed out are some of the headlines.

However I am a big fan of being grateful. For years I have been writing in a gratitude journal, and I am sure it has changed my life. Allow me to explain.
Years ago I was at a personal low point in my life. I was bulimic, felt lonely, constantly tired and just tired of life as I knew it. I really couldn't see a way out. I loved my son, but life with him was very challenging.

Someone told me to start a gratitude journal. I must admit that what I thought of that idea I can't really say here, but a lot of  %@&*$($^#   words were part of my thoughts.  However, I trusted this person so I promised to give it a try.  I did. I was told to write down 5 things a day, I was grateful for. I would lie if I said it was easy.  It wasn't.

But I stuck with it. In the beginning it took me a long time to find 5 things.  There were days when I wasn't even grateful for being alive. I may even have said I was grateful for something I probably wasn't, just to get the 5 things a day.

 I knew I had to find 5 things, so I started looking for them and writing them down and after a while I started feeling differently. I discovered that it was easier to find the 5 things a day I was grateful for and very soon the number 5 was not enough.  I discovered how much I actually had to be grateful for.

Being grateful didn't change the hardship I was facing and lived with, but I changed the way I look at it.  Change your thoughts and you change your life.


I truly believe that the energy you send out will come back to you as a boomerang.  However just because you change the way to look at life, doesn't mean that everything is now going to be great and we all live happily ever after.

It is easy to focus on what is wrong in life, what we don't have and how big out obstacles are . If we are not careful we loose sight of all the good things we actually do have.  We take our family, friends and health for granted. When we go through a disappointment there are two ways to look at it : Nothing good ever happens to me or I should have known that this would happen.
Or the more positive way: When one door closes, I know God is going to open up another door. It is all about perspective and how we choose to see a situation.

We all have thing going on in life, that if we focus on them, they can steal our joy and course us to be mad, angry and upset. However, if we are going to be happy, the foundation is to have a grateful spirit.

Seeds of discouragement can not take root in a grateful heart. 

If you are not happy today the quickest way to turn it around is to be more grateful for what you do have, instead of focusing on what you don't have. 
Instead of focusing on how far you have to go, turn around and take a look at how far you have come.
If we complain about where we are, we will never get to where we want to be.

I know that sometimes it is difficult to change your perspective. When my son died, I found it difficult to find something positive and I had days where I just wanted to follow him to where he went.

However when I started looking at Martins life as a time line it occurred to me that I only focused on the last day of his life instead of focusing on the almost 17 years he was here on earth and all the lessons he taught me and all the love he gave me and opened up for.

This year I have so many things to be grateful for.  I have a nice house to live in. I am married to a wonderful man, who sometimes tests my positive outlook. I am grateful that we got our dog Henry. I could focus on how much he sheds but I focus on the amount of unconditional love he gives and how much joy we have because of him.

I have many good friends here in the US and I live in a very beautiful part of the US.

I finished my book this year and I am very grateful for all the positive feedback. But I must admit that one feedback were more powerful than any other I with gratitude have received.

I come from a family where love and praise was never expressed other than through sarcasm and jokes.
I was very nervous giving my parents my book, because there would be something in it, they didn't know about me and I wasn't sure how they would react. But I didn't let it stop me. I had a message to get out.

I have read through my old journals and one of the red threads were that because I never thought I had my fathers approval, I made some bad choices in life and other times it kept me from doing things, because i never believed in myself.

After Martin died and  I moved to the US, our relationship changed. I think we all realized what was important. My father told me that he was very proud of me and what I had written and how I handled my life with Martin. I am 46 and yet it moved me to tears. Even if I had learned to live without his praise, I was surprised how I reacted when I got it. It was so unexpected and yet so wonderful and heartfelt.

Without knowing it, it took away so much self doubt. I believed in myself on another level. I took contact to different places to set up workshops. I contacted a bookstore to get a book signing and I will get my story in the local paper. All because my father said he believed in me. That is certainly something to be grateful for.

This year I will be cooking my first Thanksgiving dinner at home with Mike. I look forward to it. On a light note, I am grateful for the internet and and friends to told me how to make stuffing. 

I know there is a lot to be stressed out about this thanks giving. But do yourself a favor. Take a few minutes to write down what you are grateful for.

May all your days be days of thanks giving.

I am now a published author.

I have been waiting for this day for over 10 years. Most of which, I really didn't think this day would ever come.
I have been writing for years, but looking back, I am not sure I really put my heart into it. It was mostly to put words to my emotions, which was fine. Besides a part of me believed, that if I finished the book, Martin would die.
     After I moved to the US something changed. By then Martin had died and because I couldn't work I needed to fill my time with something. So writing was a good way for me to do that.  However it was also quite therapeutic. Wise people say, that you should not do anything drastic the first year after experiencing a death of a loved one. What that meant was, I shouldn't move, shouldn't make big decisions, shouldn't  change jobs, shouldn't sign anything, but just give myself time to adjust to my  new life without my son.  I was grieving his death, but didn't listen to the rest of the advice.
    I had met Mike and I moved to the US. I knew in my heart it was the right thing to do, but adjusting was somewhat challenging.
It helped to write.  I had written everything in Danish, but now my life was in the US, so I started over.
  I took the chapters I liked the most and translated them. Little by little the book took shape.

While writing Martin felt alive again and memories came floating back, which at times was very emotional and I am sure it wasn't always easy to be Mike.

All the chapters were emotional for me to write, but some chapters were tougher than others. But I do feel they came out the way I wanted. And I am very proud of the finished product.

We all have a story and we have all been through things that make us question who we really are. Martin and what we went through, was mine. I couldn't handle all the emotions and had to find a way to handle them. Unfortunately that way was quite self destructive.  I don't like drugs, any kind of drug, so drugs wasn't the answer for me, however my "drug of choice" was food.  I found that overeating was a good way for me to keep the emotions at bay. I wanted a fix now and didn't care about long term damage. Which is very similar with all kind of addictions. It is like the motto is: I want what I want and I want it now! 
I did the best I could and i didn't feel I had any other way to cope. I didn't know better. But when we know better we do better.

I learned there were other ways of coping. All I needed to do was to change my way of thinking. Change your thoughts and you'll change your life.  


All addicts can get helped to be sobered up, however staying sober, can be challenging. So it was for me.
An alcoholic can avoid bars, but a food addict have to eat every day. So I had to learn what I was hungry for.

While I was writing this book, I got very hungry and I had to ask myself why I was hungry and most of the times it wasn't physical  hunger, but simply all the emotions surfacing. I was reliving everything I was writing about. But at least now, I was aware of it and I had a choice NOT to eat. But just letting the emotions be there.
 

While I was writing the book, I felt Martin was alive, so it was very difficult for me to write the chapter about his death. It was like he died all over again.
 
 But I knew I had to do this. This is what I can do to keep his memory alive. 

Martin taught me many life lessons. One of them was to enjoy every minute with our loved ones.  Always make sure that they are loved and appreciated, never let the sun set on your anger and the most important, forgive the unforgivable.  The last one may be more difficult to do. However, as long as you hold a grudge, the other person or incident has a power over you. 

In order for me to find the peace I was looking for, I had to forgive the doctor who was responsible for Martin's and my fate. 

Forgiving doesn't mean that it was ok, what happened to us, it just meant that the doctor no longer had the power over me. I had to forgive in order to start my healing process and let go of the anger I was living with.


I chose this cover for the book, because what it represents. Butterflies is transformation and I believe I went through a transformation. I also believe that we all come from the same source. I call that source LOVE. However, we have a tendency to forget.

So when I saw this photo of a catarpillar and a butterfly on the same flower ( love)  I knew I had the cover that was just right for me. Even if you don't believe in the metaphor, the the picture itself is beautiful. And orange was Martin's favorite color.

A long journey has come to an end and a new is just beginning.

This is my story and I would like to share it with you.

Happy 20th birthday. August 11th, 2010

My beloved Martin.

Today you would have turned 20 years old. I guess you still do, where ever you are.

You are spending your birthday with God, so I know that you are surrounded by love and light.

It has been a while since I have written any blogs. I have been busy writing and finishing the book about our lives together.

You have been such an impact in my life. You were a gift of love. Maybe that is why I name our book a Gift of love.

My arms are empty, however,I often feel your presence. I makes me think of something a clairvoyant once told me. “ Martin will come to you in the shape of a small dog” I feel that. I felt it with Toby and I feel it now with Henry. I think that sometimes, when Henry is in my arms, I am stroking you not him. I like to believe that. That gives me peace.

I hope you are proud of what I am doing with my life after you left.

I put all my heart and soul into the book and I really believe in it. But I would love if you would send some blessings.

I love you and I miss you. Have a wonderful birthday up there in heaven.

Love always

Mum.