One of my teachers once said, that if your past is your present, you have no future.
I believe it is right. We all have gone through something painful in our past, that forms who we are.
Sometimes we can get stuck in the past or maybe even in the present and it is difficult for us to move on.
Whatever it is we are going through, one thing I know for sure, life goes on with or without us.
I miss Martin and some days are worse than others.
Even if I know in my heart of hearts that there is a spiritual solution to everything, I have to admit, I am only human and some days I have to get off the spiritual wagon, just to feel sorry for myself for a while.
I don't want to deny any emotions, however I don't want to swim around in them and starting to become a victim again.
I usually give myself a designated time to be sad, down, depressed or whatever it is I want to feel. I allow myself to fully embrace the sadness, I had denied myself so many times. By accepting and embracing the difficult feelings, you give them a voice and you can release them.
It is nice to get attention and support when feeling down and depressed, but it is a fine line, because what if you become dependent on other peoples support. That keeps you stuck in the present and not being able to move forward. You become a victim. After a while, other people get tired of it and move on and maybe out.
I remember, when Martin was born and we first found out that he was brain damaged, I didn't want to take it in or accept it.
I felt, that if I didn't accept or take it in, I could still live in the illusion that he was going to be fine. Part of me liked the attention I got from others. Maybe that was part of why I didn't want to fully take it in. I have spent years holding down and numbing these difficult emotions.
We all need a coping mechanism, but some become very self destructive. Some use drugs to numb the pain, maybe alcohol. My drug of choice was food.
But what if the coping mechanism is not psychically destructive like drugs, but more mentally or spiritually? Isn't that just as destructive? I believe it is.
When you have two parts in your heart/head, fighting each other which one do you listen to? Most people will listen to the denial part. The part that takes us away from pain. That is natural. But we can't avoid pain forever. It has a tendency to reappear.
Sometimes it is difficult to take in the thruth, even if it staring at us. I didn't want to take in that Martin was a sick as he was. Maybe you have been diagnosed with an illness and wont accept it or maybe you have financially difficulty, but are in denial and keep spending money.
I had to ask myself, who am I or who will I be and become, if I truly accepted Martin was as sick as he was.
If you feel stuck in the present for whatever reason, maybe it is time you ask yourself, who am I if I truly accept everything about me, ( illness, divorce or whatever it is that is keeping you from moving forward)
I did accept that Martin was as sick as he was and I did accept that his days were numbered. It changed my outlook on everything.
But again, it was a fine line, because finding a spiritual solution, meant I didn't have to cope the very human emotions that was building up.
This morning I felt sad. I missed Martin. I think about him every day, but some days are tougher. My spiritual side, knows he is well and in love and light and that gives me comfort. But the human and mother side is missing my child and my arms feels empty. But by allowing the emotions to be there and really turn up the volume by listening to music and looking at photos, I can release them and not be overtaken by them and becoming a victim again.
The two side are now in balance and when that happened, I moved from being a victim to becoming a victor.
Martin is part of my past, but I taken the best part with me, so I can keep moving forward in life. I owe it to him to make the best life for me that I can.
You owe it to yourself to make the best life for you. So ask yourself, am I a victim or a victor?