Friday, September 24, 2010
I am now a published author.
I have been writing for years, but looking back, I am not sure I really put my heart into it. It was mostly to put words to my emotions, which was fine. Besides a part of me believed, that if I finished the book, Martin would die.
After I moved to the US something changed. By then Martin had died and because I couldn't work I needed to fill my time with something. So writing was a good way for me to do that. However it was also quite therapeutic. Wise people say, that you should not do anything drastic the first year after experiencing a death of a loved one. What that meant was, I shouldn't move, shouldn't make big decisions, shouldn't change jobs, shouldn't sign anything, but just give myself time to adjust to my new life without my son. I was grieving his death, but didn't listen to the rest of the advice.
I had met Mike and I moved to the US. I knew in my heart it was the right thing to do, but adjusting was somewhat challenging.
It helped to write. I had written everything in Danish, but now my life was in the US, so I started over.
I took the chapters I liked the most and translated them. Little by little the book took shape.
While writing Martin felt alive again and memories came floating back, which at times was very emotional and I am sure it wasn't always easy to be Mike.
All the chapters were emotional for me to write, but some chapters were tougher than others. But I do feel they came out the way I wanted. And I am very proud of the finished product.
We all have a story and we have all been through things that make us question who we really are. Martin and what we went through, was mine. I couldn't handle all the emotions and had to find a way to handle them. Unfortunately that way was quite self destructive. I don't like drugs, any kind of drug, so drugs wasn't the answer for me, however my "drug of choice" was food. I found that overeating was a good way for me to keep the emotions at bay. I wanted a fix now and didn't care about long term damage. Which is very similar with all kind of addictions. It is like the motto is: I want what I want and I want it now!
I did the best I could and i didn't feel I had any other way to cope. I didn't know better. But when we know better we do better.
I learned there were other ways of coping. All I needed to do was to change my way of thinking. Change your thoughts and you'll change your life.
All addicts can get helped to be sobered up, however staying sober, can be challenging. So it was for me.
An alcoholic can avoid bars, but a food addict have to eat every day. So I had to learn what I was hungry for.
While I was writing this book, I got very hungry and I had to ask myself why I was hungry and most of the times it wasn't physical hunger, but simply all the emotions surfacing. I was reliving everything I was writing about. But at least now, I was aware of it and I had a choice NOT to eat. But just letting the emotions be there.
While I was writing the book, I felt Martin was alive, so it was very difficult for me to write the chapter about his death. It was like he died all over again.
But I knew I had to do this. This is what I can do to keep his memory alive.
Martin taught me many life lessons. One of them was to enjoy every minute with our loved ones. Always make sure that they are loved and appreciated, never let the sun set on your anger and the most important, forgive the unforgivable. The last one may be more difficult to do. However, as long as you hold a grudge, the other person or incident has a power over you.
In order for me to find the peace I was looking for, I had to forgive the doctor who was responsible for Martin's and my fate.
Forgiving doesn't mean that it was ok, what happened to us, it just meant that the doctor no longer had the power over me. I had to forgive in order to start my healing process and let go of the anger I was living with.
I chose this cover for the book, because what it represents. Butterflies is transformation and I believe I went through a transformation. I also believe that we all come from the same source. I call that source LOVE. However, we have a tendency to forget.
So when I saw this photo of a catarpillar and a butterfly on the same flower ( love) I knew I had the cover that was just right for me. Even if you don't believe in the metaphor, the the picture itself is beautiful. And orange was Martin's favorite color.
A long journey has come to an end and a new is just beginning.
This is my story and I would like to share it with you.