Yesterday I wrote part 1 of my New Years resolution about not drinking any alcohol in the month of January. I am still sticking with that, but last night something changed, that made me think or rather rethink that resolution. Maybe I should do more.
When a year comes to an end, it is a good time to think about what that year has done for you or what you did in that year.
Yesterday I watched the dvd, my parents had filmed, while they were here on vacation in October.
I was a little shocked over what I looked like. When it is said that the camera doesn’t lie, it is true.
I couldn’t believe what I had turned in to. I simply didn’t recognize myself. I was embarrassed and ashamed.
I was so out of shape, and had put a lot of weight on. It wasn’t a surprise of course. I haven’t really been very active and just running up the stairs in the house made me short of breath.
My clothes were getting tighter and I really couldn’t give the excuse that I had washed them on too high temperature.
No, this was the result of 2 years of buried emotions and emotional eating.
I took an emotional inventory and I asked myself some questions. Did I live my life to the fullest, did I make the most of this year, if not what would I change?
The answer NO, came very quickly. I did not and had not lived my live to the fullest, but maybe, in a way, I had.
It is the easiest thing in the world to hit yourself over the head and put yourself down, when your life is not what you want it to be.
Yes, I have put on weight, and yes I am out shape, but these are things I can control and do something about. Stop eating too much and start working out.
I could loose the weight and get in to shape in a matter of time.
But if I ask why it had to come to this, the answer is not quite as simple.
If I don’t resolve the underlining issues, that made me overeat, I would just put it all back on just as quickly.
In a perfect world I would be able to afford a personal trainer to work out with, a dietitian to help me with a food plan and a coach/ therapist to work through emotional stuff.
Unfortunately this is not a perfect world and I can’t afford all this, but that is not reason enough for not doing it.
One of the biggest issues is of course, I still grieve the loss of Martin and I have to come to terms with that and no longer keep it down and suppressed.
Another big thing is I now have to figure out who I am. Before I moved here, I was defined by Martin. He was my identity.
I now have to rediscover myself. I love my husband dearly and I love living here, but I have to rebuilt myself. I have a pretty good idea of who I am and what I am supposed to do with my life, but for some reason I haven’t done it yet.
I read somewhere ,that the best thing to do the first year after a death of a child is to do nothing. No big decisions. Don’t move to a new house. don’t change jobs. You are not emotional ready.
Well, I did just that. I moved flat, then I met Mike and fell in love, then I was offered a job, which I didn’t take, because I moved to another country.
I arrived in part of the US I had never been. Didn’t know anybody, couldn’t get a job, couldn’t even get around, because I had no car. I was alone in the house 8 hours a day, while Mike was a work.
No wonder my emotions have been in turmoil.
Food became my friend. I knew it was bad for me, but the short term fix far outlasted the lang term downsides.
That was then and this is now.
I can and more importantly, wont hide no more. I have to strengthen my risk and courage muscles and take that step in to my new life.
I have to take off my overcoat of issues and fat and let the new Anette emerge.
I am sure Martin is sitting looking down at me thinking, that was about time.
I have always said that the best way to honor him is to live the best life I can. So I will.
Soon the old year will come to and end and a new year will begin.
Let that be the synonym for my new life to begin.
As a famous song goes” The best is yet to come”
Well let 2010 be a new beginning. I am ready, I hope, the world is ready for me.